More Proof that Authors are Crazy

Authors are clearly crazy. Think about it. We make up a bunch of people and then write long drawn out conversations between them. Sometimes we have them kill each other and we cry over their demise. Craziness, pure and simple.

Authors also do things like spend months working on a project in the hope that some day, someone will want to pay them for it. Would truck drivers do this? Would plumbers? I think not.

But in case you needed more proof, take the case of Ray Dolin, who was working on a book called Kindness in America. He faked a drive by shooting in order to promote the book. Um, yeah, I'm willing to do a lot of things to promote my books, but shooting myself is not one of them. I have--in the spirit of promotion--offered to shoot my editor. I mean, I bet that would make people remember the book. But alas, thus far none of my editors has been willing to take one for the team, so to speak.

The sad thing about all of this is that even though Ray Dolin's hoax was discovered, his book has gotten an awful lot of publicity over the event. And what works for one author, other authors are sure to implement. I'm afraid this will lead to a rash of author shootings. ALA may turn into the equivalent of the old west. (Make sure you keep your distance from James Dashner and Robison Wells for a while. Both of them frequently have that crazed look in their eyes . . .)

Although I'm determined to stay out of the line of fire, I'm trying to think of ways to take my promotion to the next level. My next book is a time travel dystopia. So I've decided to time travel to promote the book. Anyone who knows how to get hold of Dr. Who's phone booth, let me know.

Things not to write in a wedding book

 My oldest daughter (code name Serena, after her favorite cartoon character) is getting married this week. My baby. If I had Prozac, I would be taking it. Instead I am consuming large amounts of chocolate, which probably doesn't work as well as Prozac but tastes much better. Utah readers, if you're coming to the reception bring me some Almond Joys as I'll be stuck in the receiving line and therefore unable to hang out by the chocolate fountain with a mug.

Anyway, in honor of the happy nuptials I'm going to rerun my list of the top ten things not to write in the bride and groom's wedding book. (That I originally posted for my niece's wedding.)

I've never known what to write in the guest book. I mean, it's a keepsake that the bride and groom will cherish forever and you want to write something deep, meaningful, and unique but after standing with the pen poised in your hand for long enough that the line backs up, you finally scrawl out, "Best Wishes!" and move on.

 So our family got to talking about that . Or rather, we talked about the things that you should not write in the bride and groom's guest book. Here is the top ten list of things you shouldn't write:

1. This was really nice for your first wedding.
2. It's not too late for a pre-nup.
3. The office pool is giving you two years.
4. And who says you can't find nice bridal dresses at Walmart?
5. Apparently she couldn't have done better.
6. We don't actually know you. We just came for the food.
7. He must be a good catch; his first three wives had no complaints, God rest their souls.
8. For your wedding gift I got you that supply of penicillin.
9. At last, you found a way to get your green card!
10. Don't worry. Her ex didn't make parole.

In a minute: The reason you should keep a journal

I love this freeze frame. It looks like my expression after my husband tells me that the dog has a stomach ailment--but no, I'm actually talking about why you should keep a journal.

The Worst Pick Up Lyrics Award 2012

Last year I created the Enrique Iglesia Memorial Worst Pickup Lyrics in a Song Award. The award bears Enrique's name due to his touching and romantic song:  I Want To--insert the crassest term you can think of here--You Tonight.

I'm not sure there's enough money or fame to make that line work on most women, but apparently Enrique isn't all that picky.

(To see the five contending songs for last years award, you can follow this link: http://janette-rallison.blogspot.com/2011/04/vote-for-worst-song-pick-up-lines_26.html )

I was going to post popular songs here and have readers vote on them, but truly I'm not sure any songs can complete with Train's Drive By lyrics. It just wins, hands down as the ultimate stalker song. Don't get me wrong.  I love the tune. It has 27 million views on Youtube and most of them are mine.  But what was Train thinking when they wrote the lyrics? Here's how the song goes:

On the other side of a street I knew, stood a girl that looked like you. I guess that's deja vu. But I thought this can't be true, cause you moved to west L.A or New York or Santa Fe or wherever to get away from me.

What? Listen Train, if you have girls moving across the country in order to avoid you, this is a clear indication that you're doing something very wrong in the romance department.

Oh but that one night was more than just right. I didn't leave you cause I was all through. Oh I was overwhelmed, and frankly scared as h*ll, because I really fell for you.

Wait--the girl in question moved across country after only one night?  Someone was scared as h*ll and it wasn't you. Have you checked recently to see if your photograph might be among those listed on the FBI's  most wanted sight?

Oh I swear to you, I'll be there for you. This is not a drive by.

A drive by . . . as in a shooting?  Given the other lyrics, maybe this is not the best phrase to use . . .


Just a shy guy looking for a two ply hefty bag to hold my love.

People use two ply hefty bags to hold many things--love aint one of them. Body parts, yeah, those would fit.

When you move me everything is groovy. They don't like it sue me. Mmm the way you do me.
Oh I swear to you I'll be there for you. This is not a drive by.

They don't like it sue me?  Exactly how many times have people brought legal action against you for your romantic behavior?  And is the phrase "I'll be there for you," supposed to make the girl feel better?  Dude, she moved across the country and didn't tell you where.  Get the hint. The last thing she wants is for you to be anywhere around.

The song goes on. Sadly the lyrics don't get any better.  They leave the listener wanting to yell at the poor girl, "Run!  Run! Flee as fast as you can!"

So I think I'm going to have to just award Drive By the 2012 Enrique Award. However, I'm willing to be open minded. If you know of a popular song with worst lyrics, by all means, let me know.